The Year 2020: Awaken the Phoenix
I am writing this at dawn, on Christmas Eve, in the epic year that has been 2020. The sky beyond my window is a deep blue, the tree branches bare and scraping the lightening sky. The world outside is shifting in a dance with the winter wind. I am wearing my favorite shawl, wrapped in the warmth of it, listening to a candle flicker in the background of my thoughts. The mug of tea I am holding always cools before I drink it when I find myself in this state of reflection. It goes without saying that this has been a year like no other—for the vast collective of the world and the deepest, imperceptible shifts within. I am holding on to this moment of peace, honoring the enveloping quiet of home. I feel the precipice, and the cliff is coming.
I woke up and read that the US government is once again stalled by internal conflict over the coronavirus pandemic relief package, thus withholding vital aid to millions of people on the edge of financial freefall. This could all change within the hour, let alone by the time I publish this today. Unemployment benefits expire on Saturday, December 26th—the day after Christmas, with no conclusive hope to grasp onto for what lies ahead. The lifeline that has sustained so many for months is about to evaporate—and those who can actually do something sit in gridlock, go enjoy their holiday, and abandon the immense responsibility that comes with power.
This is a year that has taught me to appreciate everything—this moment of warmth, of quiet—of whatever peace I choose to create in this space of home. Of the incredible experiences I’ve had through travel and a life of creating, that are carrying me through these difficulties. Beneath this peace I feel anger, disillusionment, uncertainty—and immense empathy for those who have suffered so much loss and hardship. A loss that goes far beyond any yearning for a sense of “normalcy” and extends to their most beloved—friends, parents, children, spouses… How anyone can argue that something should come before the sacred preservation of human life will always lie beyond my ability to understand.
In my own situation, I realized this morning that for this first time in my working life, I am about to have no consistent source of income. I’ve held multiple jobs since I was 14, supported myself independently from the day I moved out when I was 19, and put myself through school by working harder than I knew I was capable of. I never thought I would be here, or in the unemployment system. The industry that I dedicated years to learning and thriving in disappeared overnight, for the foreseeable future. And all I could think of were the many brilliant, uniquely gifted people I had met in my profession as a scenic artist and designer who were suddenly out of work and deserved so much better. When all of this happened in March, I thought I would be devastated. But weirdly, I felt—a level of acceptance. I felt the profound understanding that this global shift is so much larger than myself and the insular world I had been circling. I understood somewhere deep within me that change was necessary, and knew throughout the course of human history we had survived so many situations like this. We have overcome the greatest wars, plagues, disasters…and upheavals of societal constructs once-believed to be invincible. Everything has its time, and the ephemeral nature of life is why it’s to be cherished.
In the wake of devastation, new beginnings can take root. This is a time of growth—to fully embrace all the things you have ever wanted to be, from the inside out. That internal shift will yield to an outer shift, just as waves crash upon the shore. To originate that change has been the focus that has carried me through every moment of doubt, fear, anxiety… and there have been many. But through the course of it, I know I am ready to be that change.
I keep coming back to the energy of the phoenix, whenever I try to put this feeling into form. We rise from ashes, and cycle through many life experiences within a lifetime. We all have the strength to do it. It’s interesting that in the process of awakening, there’s a kind of detox that occurs where the old is released. I’ve been having dreams where I wake up, tears streaming, as I move through the past traumas that have come from my relationship with the old way of working. Of pushing my body to stay up for days on end, going nonstop until I felt completely numb to meet the end goal of fulfilling a commitment—however steep. I have learned a great deal from this year—and realize that the self-destructive level of “pushing through,” once heralded as the definition of work ethic was neither true, nor necessary. I am enough—I have nothing to prove by how much I’m willing to break myself down. I don’t owe anyone a damn thing simply because I can. I have choice. In this realization, I feel empowered, like my own autonomy is revived and I can steer the direction of my life. I am standing before an open path to becoming, and I am free to choose. It’s overwhelming and wondrous—and admittedly scary. Much learning lies ahead. But I’m genuinely looking forward to the messy action, the stumbles, and the effort, as it will be my own path to build.
This has truly been a year like no other. A year when the outmoded systems that no longer serve the best interest of the world will crumble and be remade. A year of immense loss and new beginnings. A year when we were reminded that there is no such thing as “supposed to,” and “normalcy” is an every-evolving construct unique to individual experience. We were called to care about more than ourselves, and broaden our perception. To appreciate everything, however simple. To evaluate and adjust our lives to the center of what truly matters. As for myself, this is the year I became an entrepreneur and the captain of my own ship. I am boldly embracing the discomfort and uncertainty, because I know it’s worth it to pursue the strongest passions of my soul. I am creating a larger platform to give from through this business, which is an expression of everything I value in the soul-evolving acts of travel and creating. I want to see the many artists, technicians, designers, engineers, and creators currently out of work take this opening to reshape the world with brilliant ingenuity, tenacity, and passion.
I believe we can.
—Jessie Howe; December 24th, 2020, 8:30am.
Travel Photography by Jessie Howe. From the Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore, April 2020.